They Know Who We Are. We Don't Know Who They Are

It started with an "absorption update" (immediately below) dated July 17 on the stationery of the American Israel Public Affairs Committee and containing such remarkable statements as "guaranteeing loans for Israel up to $2 billion for the next five years is the most cost effective way in which the United States government can help with the resettlement effort, " that US businesses "stand to gain from the extension of such guarantees," and "Israel has never defaulted on a loan."

The AIPAC memorandum went to all members of Congress, some of whom must have wondered cost effective for whom? How does US business gain if the cost of borrowing capital increases? Hasn't the US had to forgive most of its loans to Israel and promise to provide Israel sufficient annual foreign aid to pay all of the interest on all the rest of them?

Next, in the mailbox of every member of Congress appeared an ANCA Memorandum dated August 12. AIPCA? The American Israel Political Control Association, the stationery said, but the stars on AIPACs familiar logo had been replaced with dollar signs. And the message was, well, different.

Telephones rang all over the nation's capital. No, the American Educational Trust and other groups told reporters from Jewish weekly newspapers. We had nothing to do with it. We wish we could be so funny!

Rumors flew, and the Bnai Brith Anti-Defamation League was said to have prepared an outraged protest for whenever the author was revealed.

This is defamation? This is hilarious!

A day later, no protest had been mailed. Instead, an ADL spokesperson said, airily, "we wouldn't pay any attention to that kind of thing. "

Then, into every congressional mailbox, popped another mysterious "AIPCA memorandum," dated August 26.

Did we write it? No, but we wish we knew who did, so we could have asked permission to reprint it below to give our readers a laugh.

In fact, the loan guarantee proposal is laughable. And so are other well intentioned proposals like the one mentioned on page 61 of this issue, in an article by Tikkun editor Michael Lerner.

If the US agrees to pay Israel $15 billion a year for five years might Israel consider getting out of the West Bank? You've got to be kidding!

The US is between two and three trillion dollars in debt. If we don't reverse the tide, our grandchildren may be picking through the world's garbage cans and sleeping on grates, even after the foreign investors to whom we owe the money turn off the heat under them.

If we had any change to spare, we should be thinking about needs at home and people who are starving right now in some parts of the world through no fault of their own. Or people of a dozen nationalities in parts of Eastern Europe and what may or may not still be the Soviet Union, who face famine, civil war or both this winter.

What a joke it would before the US, instead of helping the truly needy at home or abroad to guarantee loans so fat, lazy, socialistic little Israel can build more settlements where we don't want them to be. Or for the US taxpayer to pay Israel's 4 million people $15 billion a year to get out of there they have no right to be. That’s hilarious!

Why not save our money and tell them they won't get an aid at all until they stop taking actions that four US presidents have called illegal and an obstacle to peace? They would be out of the occupied territories in months, and that's no joke.

In fact, Israel obsessed Americans have turned their cause into a joke. Not an ethnic joke. Not an anti-Semitic joke. Just plain old theater of the absurd.

Up to now the joke's been on us taxpayers. Now it's on AIPAC. If you don't believe it, look at the real AIPAC letterhead above, then read the two AIPAC "memos and the envelope the first one came in, reprinted below with admiration for heir anonymous author.

Ten Billion Dollar Loan Guarantees for Is Your Marching Orders

For years, we've outdone ourselves tossing out hoops for Congress to jump through. We're proud to say that we've surpassed even own expectations with the $10 billion loan guarantee the ultimate hoop and the most exorbitantly risky and outrageous pro yet. Finally, our dream can become a reality. Here's how! First get some of our friends to believe, or at least pretend, that these are really loans which Israel will really repay. Then, we convince them that this is purely "humanitarian aid" with no relation whatsoever to the 40,000 new settlement units Israel announced last month. Finally, we hoodwink our friends into believing that Israel will still to the peace talks in October after Congress gives it the $10 in September. This might seem a bit much to expect but the are "friends" for?

Here are some of our winning arguments. You should study them.

Trust us, the money is for the immigrants:
Israel had originally budgeted $10 billion of its own funds over the next five years for such essential activities as building new settlements, maintaining thousands of defense forces in the West Bank and Gaza, and buying bulk supplies of rubber bullets. When Israel found out that the Soviet immigrants were coming, it had to revise its spending plans and reallocate most of those funds to finance the massive resettlement. Now, with $10 billion from the US dedicated to the absorption, Israel has no need to disrupt its original plan.

The successful absorption of Soviet immigrants over the next five years is Israel's second highest priority. Israel's first priority is figuring out how to continue getting handouts without having to give up a single inch of the "administered" territories.

Those "deep pockets" In the United States:
"Guaranteeing loans" for Israel, up to $2 billion a year for the next five years (we always say it this way so some people won't re it's $ 10 BILLION), is the best way we think the United State justify sending Israel lots of money and not have too much to say ~ what Israel does with it. Guarantees are not grants at this point can say truthfully that not one penny of US government funds w transferred to Israel through these guarantees. Later, however, it's clear that Israel hasn't a snowball's chance in hell of paying back, and that some US banks are in danger of going bellyup, we to lobby Congress either to have these " loan guarantees " converted to grants, or to just bail out the banks (something Congress should be quite good at by then).

Many benefits for America:
The US will not need to figure out which critical domestic program housing, job training, education actually deserves part of the $10 billion. One simple loan guarantee to Israel eliminate those tough decisions.

Ted Koppel will have something else to talk about.

Our staff are so busy lobbying Congress and producing memoranda such as this that they don't have the time to keep track of what members of Congress and the Senate we plan to target for removal in the next election.

Israel's ability to repay:
Israel has never defaulted on a loan, and maintains a highly favorable debt portfolio by international standards. This has been a relatively easy feat, in that Israel only pays the interest on its loans, and as mentioned before, Congress manages to convert most of them to grants before any principal is actually due. In fact, AIPCA has been so successful in supporting Israel's financial interests that we are now offering a $395 course at the Capital Hilton one weekend a month to borrower nations that would like to learn our highly proven techniques.

1991-1992 Political Process Directives
Massive expenditures directed toward guaranteeing support passage of the $10 billion in US loan guarantees to Israel, in an attempt to counter congressional skepticism about the true nature of loans, has left this organization understandably low on finances and short staffed. Under normal conditions, in every election year we count on seeing about $4,000,000 in pro Israel PAC contributions spontaneously go to all the right candidates (this is what our lawyer keep telling the FEC). A number of you receive such spontaneous an unconditional largesse and up to six seats each year are spontaneously targeted for either strong support or electoral oblivion.

This year, we have a problem. Congressman Bryant and his "Gang of 44 " are, in all probability, going to have to be spontaneously electorally obliterated but $4,000,000 can only be stretched so far. T means only $60,000 per spontaneous obliteration with nothing I for anyone else. We therefore anticipate a brief hiatus in spontaneous funding of other political process activities. We offer our sympathy to those members who were expecting spontaneous support in upcoming elections. We do, however, stand ready to spontaneously serve you in any way possible, and propose the following suggestions help to maximize your efforts as you admirably embark upon democratic process.

Reverse support techniques:
Consider relocating to a district currently served by a member the Gang of 44. This is one of the only ways you can receive financial support, and the negative campaigning that will be spontaneously launched against these incumbents will make you a guaranteed winner.

The $10 billion loan guarantee only stipulates that the funds used for basic necessities like housing and food. Wouldn't you know that no one said it had to be in Israel? If you relocate to one of the Target 44 Districts, you can expect a generous housing and food allowance for you and your family.

A trained staff: the key to success
Send your key campaign staff to AIPCA's free quarterly Winning Campaign Strategies Workshop. At each workshop, former professor Steve Rozen lectures on the successful strategies inherent to a winning campaign. Your staff will benefit from important seminars such as:

*Anonymous Political Publications: How to Say What You Want and Never be Responsible

*The Ten Heart Wrenching Stories that Let You Manipulate the Media

*How to Make an Example out of a Public Figure

And each workshop features a special presentation on How to Win Funding and Influence Everyone, conducted by our own Tom Dimes.

Local support can help put you over the edge:
In an effort to offset the national funding hiatus, thousands of members from local chapters of AIPCA have agreed to volunteer to staff phone banks, stuff envelopes, conduct door-to-door literature drops, hold town meetings, intimidate voters and opposing candidates, and provide other campaign support. Contact your local AIPCA chapter for more information.

Consider total support for endless Israeli loan guarantees as the main plank in your platform. Thanks to our groundwork and media efforts, your Congressional colleagues never tire of providing ongoing, unquestioning support for sending Israel money. And, should you choose to take this position, we may be able to dig down deep into our almost empty pockets to scratch together a small campaign donation to show our gratitude.

Good luck to you all

Finally, on behalf of everyone at AIPCA, we wish you all the luck in the world, and we'll see you in '94!