Scrimping for Israel

Miz: May I help you Sir?

Jr.: Miz, why do you call me "Sir" when I've visited this office a dozen times? You know my name's Junior— Humphrey, Jr.

Miz: Golly, I didn't recognize you, Junior. You look kind of weird. Are you sick?

Jr.: No, just pretty depressed.

Miz: You haven't even shaved. Did your Dad tell you not to come here any more because I said Congress ought to make the Israelis tighten their belts this year instead of the Americans?

Jr.: No, Dad's not worrying about Israel any more. He's been in a state of shock ever since President Reagan said every government worker has to take a five percent pay cut.

Miz: Since he's so concerned for Israel he should be happy to make the contribution. The $2.2 billion he and other federal employees are losing is exactly what we used to give Israel every year. Anyway, why are you depressed?

Jr. : They may stop student aid for members of families earning more than $30,000 a year. I won't be able to study full-time any more, Miz. I'll need a job.

Miz: I wouldn't worry, Junior. Maybe after your Dad's pay is frozen for each of the next three years—since that's how they plan to continue saving $2.2 billion every year—your family will qualify for some U.S. help.

Jr. : Dad says he wishes he'd stayed in the Army.

Miz: Oh, they're talking about freezing military pay for a year, too. That will save $2.1 billion. Combine that with the federal pay cut and you've got $4.3 billion—more than enough to cover the $4.05 billion Israel is asking for the coming year, and each of the two after that.

Jr.: I don't see why we have to finance Israel out of American salaries. Why don't we take it all out of our military budget?

Miz: If you can just be a little altruistic and look at the big picture, Junior, you'll see that Israel needs a lot of that, too. Remember we promised to tie Egyptian aid to Israel's aid figure when we sweet talked the Egyptians into signing a peace treaty with Israel. If Israel gets $4.05 billion, then we have to give Egypt around $4 billion, too. We can raise that by scrapping 48 MX missiles the Pentagon wants to buy next year, and by closing ten big military bases.

Jr.: Won't that weaken our defense? Why can't the government just clamp down on welfare mothers who use food stamps to buy vodka?

Miz: Well, they'll have to do that, too. The trouble is the food stamp program isn't that big a deal. It only gives the recipients $2,832 to $3,336 a year, depending upon the size of the family—and you have to be really poor to get that. Of course, every Israeli family of five will cost the U.S. taxpayer about $6,500 in direct assistance whether they're rich or poor, each year.

Jr. : But I didn't mean just cut the food stamps. I mean all those giveaways.

Miz: Now, you're talking, Junior. Let's look at the big picture. Back in 1983—when we were giving Israel only $2.5 billion a year in direct aid—Joseph C. Harsch of The Christian Science Monitor figured the real annual U.S. cost for supporting Israel was $10 billion, if you included Egypt, tax deductible contributions to Israel, and all the hidden subsidies. So what Israel is asking this year will bring our bill to $14 billion.

Jr.: Well, that shouldn't be such a big deal if you go for all the fat in government programs.

Miz: Right! Let's just start adding up the possibilities here. We've already saved $9 billion by cutting the pay of all federal workers, freezing military pay, skipping MX procurement for ayear, and closing ten major bases. Now, if on top of that we freeze all social security benefits, that will give us $6 billion. That saves Israel with a billion to spare. I'm glad about the extra billion, since that's enough to end starvation throughout Africa next year. If Congress had to choose between funding the $14 billion Israel wants and a billion to stop Africans from starving to death, Africans might have to give up eating.

Jr.: Miz, Reagan said he wouldn't touch social security this year.

Miz: OK. Then we can freeze social security benefits the next year instead. We'll need another $14 billion for Israel then. But meanwhile, we've still got to find $5 billion more for Israel now, Junior. The President says we can raise that by cutting $1 billion from medicaid, $2.2 billion from rural housing, and terminating Community Services, the Legal Services Corporation, Supplemental Social Security Income for the aged, blind and disabled, Head Start, some housing and health programs for the poor, the special food programs for poor children and pregnant women, welfare for families with dependent children, some veterans pensions...

Jr. : Hold it, Miz. Maybe you can tell it to Dad if I take you both to dinner.

Miz: I wonder if you have enough money to take all three of us to dinner, Junior?

Jr. : I've got $60.

Miz: You shouldn't spend it. That's just what every American man, woman and child has to come up with this year to fill Israel's wish list.

Jr.: It's really Dad's money, Miz.

Miz: All the more reason to save it, Junior. As head of a family of five, he's got to come up with $300 next year so that Israel can keep the Lebanese from taking over all of Lebanon, the Syrians from over-running all of Syria, and the Palestinians from seizing any part of Palestine.

Jr.: Then you won't go out to dinner?

Miz: Well, at least not until you shave, Junior. Hey, where are you going with my newsletter?

Jr. : If I can't take you to dinner, I'll need something to read instead. So long, Miz.

—RC