Not Quite Ready for Broadway

By Andrew I. Killgore

Five actors are doing out-of-town tryouts for a new play. With a wildly improbable theme—smuggling American weapons to a terrorist Iran—the script's chaotic mixing of fact and fantasy only confuses audiences. Despite set changes and re-writing, in town after town the play is a flop.

Two players, Big Dumb Sam and Bad Little David, are also the writers. Big Dumb Sam is strong, but he's so timid that he can always be talked into doing whatever Bad Little David wants. Sam never admits he's been fooled by his sidekick. He blames a mysterious "third party" for his problems. But Sam has pride and secretly resents being manipulated. So he frets, sometimes doesn't talk, and other times mutters what sounds like "get to the bottom of this."

Although Bad Little David is disliked in his own part of the world and ignored in Europe, he has enjoyed fabulous past successes with American audiences. In this play, however, he only projects distraction and uncertainty. He argues with himself and frequently whispers in the ear of Disinformation, a hooded character who lurks in the shadows and talks non-stop. Although Disinformation has worked successfully with Bad Little David in many previous productions, this time they can't seem to develop credible interactions, even after Disinformation tries calling himself I.S., for Informed Sources.

A fourth character, Angry Ayatollah, stands in the middle of the stage and keeps shouting the same lines. He calls Dumb Sam the Great Satan. Clever Little David, says Ayatollah, is an even more contemptible Satan who will someday get his comeuppance. Although the actors seem to watch Angry Ayatollah with wary fascination, audiences find him a colossal bore. They can't identify with anyone who doesn't just ignore him.

The fifth character, Big Rich Sheikh, wrings his hands in despair at accusations by I.S. and Little David that he helped Dumb Sam send arms to Ayatollah. Big Rich Sheikh has spent $40 billion of his own money and roused all the little Sheikhs on the neighborhood cooperation council to spend billions more to protect themselves from Ayatollah. Big Rich Sheikh can't believe that anyone in the world thinks he would be stupid enough to do all that and then turn around and help Angry Ayatollah break in. But Big Sheikh is afraid that if he says that, Dumb Sam, who is that stupid, might be offended.

Meanwhile, I.S. keeps reminding the audience that Big Sheikh has a wayward son named Adnan who, since he always needs money, might sell arms to anyone. Big Sheikh, who is even more timid than Dumb Sam, is ashamed to tell the audience that his wayward son was sent packing long ago and isn't even allowed to come home for the holidays.

But this surrealistic scenario isn't working. Although there's no heroine, Sam yearns for someone named Contra, whom he describes as the moral equivalent of the Virgin Mary. He loves her so much that he even takes money from his mortal enemy, Ayatollah, to send her presents, and he's been begging Little David, Big Sheikh, and other characters offstage to do the same.

The actor playing Dumb Sam sometimes forgets that "third party" really is Little David, but the audience doesn't. That actor's not ready for Broadway. He may have to be replaced. As for whispering Little David, no one will ever buy a used tank from him again. And although Informed Sources lurks in the darkest part of the stage, the continuous voice clearly is Disinformation's. Big Sheikh may be voiceless, but audiences don't believe he could be that stupid. And Ayatollah remains a colossal bore, best ignored.

This play is a scandal. The writers ought to be changed.

Andrew I. Killgore, former US Ambassador to Qatar, retired after 32 years in the Foreign Service. He is now a political and economic consultant in Washington, DC and the President of the American Educational Trust.